The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
