If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
