Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
