Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
