I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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