I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
