I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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