70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
