I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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