it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
