Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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