I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
