I must be too annoying 4 u.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
