good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
