As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize