one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You're like the curious george of whores
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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