I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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