I wish my penis had an off switch
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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