and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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