I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
