One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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