My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
