Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
