ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
