i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
the raccoons are back...
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