My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
