i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
