i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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