Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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