she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
