oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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