I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
