My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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