I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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