you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
