wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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