My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
