I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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