Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
