I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I want her autograph on my taint
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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