Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
