i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
