I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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