i think my tv is drunk
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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