At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
