Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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