My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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