everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize