I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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