Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
