see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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