I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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