No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
