So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
