I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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