There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
